March 25, 2011
Marriage requires a special talent, like acting. Monogamy requires genius.
-Warren Beatty
I was married. But now I get to check the divorced box on the Census, other mandatory government and employment documents. Very Scarlet letter. Real talk: my marriage failed because I was unfaithful. I had an affair while I was experiencing a manic episode which later became an acutely depressed episode.
She said yes!
The whole thing was pretty epic. Especially the part where my ex-wife threw my cell phone at me in the hospital while I was recovering because I had spoken with my mistress at 4am. She was than banned from visiting by my doctor. God I was such a douchebag!
I felt guilty about engaging in behavior that I completely abhor and although my brain wasn’t being quite rational at the time I still take full responsibility. So here I am several years removed from that experience and I have all of these questions about the sustainability of my next partnership.
The reality is that I’m a guy. We’re not the most sexually loyal creatures on the planet. I’ve only cheated once in my life but that’s akin to saying I only went to prison once. I still fucked up. Now there are many reasons why men cheat. Sex being reason one through five. Of course it’s more nuanced than that. See sex for men involves emotional expression and connection to their partner. It’s how we express love even though we can have sex with women we don’t love. Confusing right?
Relationships are very difficult. Even the most well-intentioned, smartest and most determined individuals fail to make it work. So love is basically a game of Texas Hold’em Poker. You have some control over how you play the cards you’re dealt but chance and circumstance still have a huge say over the outcome. Now Bipolar is the drunken uncle who surprisingly shows up and either ruins a card game going fairly well or totally accelerates the destruction of game already going poorly.
Promiscuity and a heightened libido are symptoms of mania. But aren’t those just symptoms of being a man as well? So my biological AND neurological tendencies are to spread the wealth when it comes to my family jewels. Sociologically this isn’t seen as a bad thing either. So my body, mind and society are all supportive of non-monogamous behavior. Shit! Now I actually believe in monogamy and prefer to be married. I think the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. But we compromise our beliefs everyday.
I wonder aloud (figuratively of course) if I can do it. Should I even attempt it. I’m only going to be thirty. I can have kids and a wife at fifty if I want. I haven’t discussed yet how many women actually are negative Bipolar triggers. Honestly when you’re in a relationship you’re also managing the emotions of your partner. And who is more emotional than a woman? A Bipolar person. So now you have the exciting prospect of managing your unstable emotions and the emotions of your wife or girlfriend. We also haven’t even introduced the seven days a month when your lady is cycling. What about the hormonal upheaval of pregnancy? Postpartum depression? Am I the only person asking myself these questions?
I don’t have the answers. Hopefully if you’re a man with a mood disorder you’ll be lucky enough to find a really awesome and supportive woman who understands and appreciates your dilemma.
P.S. None of my Bipolar male friends are monogamous. If they are those relationships end very quickly.
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Thank you so much for reading, sharing and commenting. You’re pretty awesome!
R.I.P. SKH
I’m sorry Rosemary that your relationship ended and that it was terminated in such a poor manner. I don’t think anyone can explain why he did what he did.
Our motivations are our own. I think in the future you can just try to be mindful of how people are treating and what they are saying to you. Both of these things seem to match. At times your partner seemed confused.
I hope you find someone special again.
I am a 61 year old woman who has been spending a great deal of time with a man over the past two years spending weekends a his home and going out on his boat up the Hudson, and also he has taken me on one 7 day cruise to the carribean, he is a very generous man. He has always said to me don’t fall in love with me I’m the devil, well I just blew that off thinking it was a joke. He on many occasions mentioned his past as he would call them his “Angels” I wasn’t happy with hearing but dealt with it. Well up until the 14th of Nov 2011 he suddenly called it off with a phone call saying he has to be free and while he’s able screw numerous women. He also said he wants to do an 18 year old. In the two years we’ve been together there has never been a cross word said, now he treats me like I’m nobody. I have two grandboys who have gone out on his boat and really came to like him. How does one explain what he did?
I can only speak from my specific experience so I don’t want to say to give up on your relationship. I know that every person is different and hopefully this guy can become as healthy mentally and emotionally so he can be a great partner to you if that is what you both desire. Good luck.
Hi, I really liked your artical but it really made me discouraged. You see, I used to be dating this guy, he had bi polar and a few other mental issues he trying to figure it out. I’m still his friend and here for him and we are building up our relationship to try dating again when he is ready for the commitment. I am working with his mom to find out more information about why he is the way he is and what will help him and what doesn’t. He loves me and wants me back but we know he isn’t ready yet, no matter how much I love him too and accept and trying to help him. But your artical made me feel like there is no hope for us no matter what. Now i don’t know what to think.
Thanks. yeah it was quite difficult initially to be self-accountable but it makes things easier. Trying to ask questions on what’s possible as a man? I really appreciate your wonderful comment Jess.
Excellent post, good consideration of social and psychological contradictions between impulses and what is and is not acceptable. Also impressive that you still take responsibility for your actions…very life-affirming, actually